I am so fabulous, I piss glitter


My oldest sister sent me a picture text today that had me in gales of laughter. It said, “I’m so fabulous, I piss glitter”.

I piss glitter and should I mention that I also poop rainbows? On my endless list of tee shirts I will make for myself (I will never get around to it of course but I still dream) this is at least number 8.

Glitter pissing is something everyone should strive for, at least once, perhaps twice in a lifetime. And should you sprinkle when you tinkle at least it will be pretty and sparkly.

Actually, I feel somewhat less than fabulous these days. Lately, I am tired, beat, exhausted, fatigued…my ability to mimic a thesaurus is admirable no?

Part of this utter exhaustion is caused by a something called a pericardial effusion with a side of pleural effusions just for fun (the walking thesaurus that I am is caused by a condition once called ‘too much time on my hands’). So next week I will have a heart procedure done. It is not such a big deal really. But regardless, I still do not have to like it. And I DO NOT like it, not one little bit! As my acid trippy idol Dr. Seuss says,” I do not like it here or there, I do not like it anywhere”.

My heart surgeon (who is not nearly as cool as Dr. Seuss) says it is not a major situation. On a scale of 1 to 10 of dangerous heart procedures it is only a 3. Gee whiz, when you put it that way, heck sign me up for a weekly one! *insert eye roll here* I wonder how they would feel if I said the same to them. Or maybe if I tell him in terms that I use in the course of my occupation,”You are going to have an IRS audit next week…on a scale of one to ten as to how much tax you will owe it is only a 3.” Ahhh perhaps then he would understand that this stuff if scary to those not familiar with it. Perhaps then in the face of an audit he might even poop a rainbow. He still would not be as fabulous as I am though.

According to this lovely doctor, they will end up cutting a small hole in the pericardial sac that surrounds my heart. They call it a window…I wonder if it comes with its own pretty lace curtains that flutter gently in the breeze, or at least with every heart beat. I can almost picture it. It kinda brings a silly giggle from my throat. But then I may be missing a few more marbles than usual these days. The window does not bother me so much, I can handle a little window…it is the SPIGOT they are putting in my side!

Spigot, catheter whatever you call it. They are putting in a drainage system to get all the fluid out. So I will be Monica on tap. Draft Monica (lite of course…no calories here! See I am nice like that). I will open up said little spigot and drain drain away. Yeah…but no…I don’t want that thanks so much. Especially when the doctor says it could be weeks or months or longer with the damn thing attached to my side. Honestly I think I have enough going on with this traitorous body and its squatting resident tumors.

Ugh. Not that I have a choice my friends. So we will suck it up and deal. Slap on a smile with a side of snark and deal. I will be on tap for a wee while, honestly it could be worse.

And maybe instead of me being so fabulous I piss glitter, maybe I can be so ultra, amazingly fabulous that I have glitter on tap! Admit it…now you are jealous.

Catch you around next week on the flip friends and followers 😉

Happy Thanksgiving and Why Cancer does not entirely suck…

I am 38 year old girl, a joyously married mother of 2 great kids (that only need to be disciplined once a week) and full time employee extraordinaire who incidentally has pancreatic cancer. They tell me it is terminal. ”They” tell me a lot. I refuse to believe “them”.

As everyone knows, cancer sucks. In order to fight this nasty critter you need chemotherapy and all that fun stuff. The medications you ingest or have pumped into your veins are designed to kill cells in your body. All this means is that not only does cancer suck because you have it, but cancer sucks because of what you need to do to get rid of the bugger! But I think in honor of Thanksgiving I am going to try to find various ways that cancer does NOT suck…

#1. Poof. Instant electrolysis! No more waxing, threading, bleaching, tweezing, pulling, tearing… I am as bare as I was the day I was born. I have now saved at least $5,423.62 on various hair removal products and/or treatments. Who’s not a hairy beast anymore? Oh yeah that would be me. Thanks cancer!

#2. Just say no to hair products! I no longer need to spend hours on my hair. No more dying it and no more slathering gallons of product to reduce unsightly frizz. No longer am I spending my paycheck on the entire hair care line of Wen products because I could not sleep, stayed up watching infomercials and I believed in the magic of Wen, just as feverently as I believed in the magic of Santa Claus. (By the way I have discovered that infomercials are only on at ungodly hours because our defenses and inherent sanity apparently take naps during that time.) So now, for a good hair day I grab one of my many wigs and ta da!! Great hair day! Perfect color! No frizz and no need to style! So yeah….THANKS CANCER!

#3. Who needs daylight savings? I can now sleep an extra half hour (depending on when my three year old wakes up) in the morning because of reasons #1 and #2. No longer do I need more than 10 minutes in the shower! I simply lather up (who needs shampoo anymore? Not me!) and rinse…perhaps repeat if I am feeling plucky! And I am DONE! Hot damn! So I have bonus time on my clock because my showers are now so short! So again I say…Thanks cancer!

#4. Diet? What Diet? No more crazy yo-yo dieting. Now the sores in my mouth and down my throat control all those silly food binges. So when they flare up, just give me a cold glass of juice or water and I am a happy girl. And when they don’t flare up, trying to find something that does not have the wonderful overwhelming metallic taste of blood is more fun than a rousing game of Where’s Waldo. In fact it helps keep the weight on. And when the scale shows that I have gained ten pounds in one week I can with 100% honestly and certainty say it’s just bloating from retaining water. So yeah! Take that cottage cheese diet…Atkins…weight watchers! And wow…thanks cancer! You rock!

#5. Power naps! I nap now. I never truly mastered the ancient art of napping till now. And oh boy, what I have been missing!!! Just about an hour a day for my “lunch break” I nap. Sometimes on the weekends I take two maybe three hour naps just to be decadent. Never before did I appreciate the body’s need to sleep, especially smack dab in the middle of a day. Wow is all I have to say. But now I am sure to get my nap once a day, sometimes twice…and always on a Thursday. Goooo naps, and yeah….Thanks Cancer!

#6. Days off! Or what I lovingly call “the get out of work because I have cancer card” oh cancer this is one of my favorites! Now instead of the everyday monotony of going to work 9 to 5 (or in my office 9 to 5:15…yes I work for crazy people) I actually leave if I feel ill, I go to the doctor and once a week I go to my hospital for chemo. Truthfully all joking aside, this is not necessarily a bad thing. I spent so many years of my life saying I HAVE to be a work for such and such a thing. I acted as if my office will crumble without me there. But it is not true. My office still functions if I am not there, people still do their jobs and taxes will still be paid. So if anything I learned to take a little bit of time for ME…for my family for all the things in my life that make it mine. So with real sincerity, thank you cancer.

#7. Role Playing! I get to look like a different woman every day if I want to. Who needs role playing games with your husband when all you have to do is slap on a sassy wig and draw in your eyebrows any way you want…It’s like magic. I can be Jessica Rabbit in a long Red wig…what man did NOT love Jessica Rabbit? Or I can be a cutting edge vamp with red lips and a swinging black bob. Or sweet little Bambi the college coed with a short skirt and long blonde wig. But now…poof I can now add a dash of sassiness in my love life. In this case the plural of spouse should be spice, since I am playing all the roles in this cast! Sadly I am all talk, so far I have not the courage to try the role playing idea out yet, but at least I now have the option..So for giving me new options…Thanks cancer! You’re swell!!

#8. I could be prom queen! I have a new popularity thanks to cancer. When walking onto the infusion floor in the hospital I feel like Angelina Jolie…and with my husband who, if you scrunched your eyes a little, tilted your head, walked back a few feet and spun around four times, could almost resemble Brad… Although I seriously doubt my popularity is owed entirely to my effervescent personality. I think it is mostly because of the really great people who work at the hospital. (But I don’t mind pretending.)

And every darned day it seems I meet someone new. If I cannot get out I find people in my computer. Yes I have a few friends that live inside my computer…or maybe in my head…possibly both. But this disease has made me even MORE optimistic than I ever was before and I did not think that was possible. Smiling has become like my underwear, I never leave home without it and I always make sure it is bright, shiny and clean. So for expanding my social network…yay Cancer! Thanks!

#9. I get it now. I cherish every single moment with a ferocity I cannot even explain. I have never been closer to my husband than I am now. I have discovered that he is truly my rock and my heart. Without him I am only half the me I could be, should be or will ever be. Truly he is my best friend in the whole wide crazy world. He is my solace when I am inconsolable and he is my laughter when I have forgotten how to use it. Cancer has taught me that my 13 year old son has a heart of gold unlike anyone I have ever seen. That child/man has a core of strength that is unmatched by any other. I never knew it; I had never seen it before. And my teenager is nothing but optimistic he will not hear of anything other than that his mother will beat this disease. There is no question in his mind. I pray that he is right, if only for his sake. I have learned to treasure every moment of my daughter’s toddlerhood. Every step, every new word. At 3 she is discovering something new every day and I am living that through her eyes. She is sweet, charming, feisty and so stubborn it hurts. I adore that little girl.

I have never loved as I do now. I have never felt as much as I do now. And every day I want to spend surrounded by those I love. My friends are dearer to me than ever before. Every kind word and gesture takes on a rosier glow, a new hue. I appreciate so much more than I ever did. My family…sometimes I still would like to believe that I may not have sprung out of that particular gene pool but I value each and every one of them. Their love is unconditional. And I realize that now. So, from the bottom of my heart. Thank you cancer for letting me experience these things through different eyes. Thank you for sharpening every feeling, every moment…I have never lived so much until I was told I was dying. So yes, thank you cancer.

Now please would you kindly vacate the premises! Oh, and Thank you for coming.

Life and chocolate

You know what…I have never seen Forest Gump. 

I have this thing about sad movies and I consider that a pretty sad movie.  Although to me, UP was a sad movie ( I cried great big heaping sobs for that one), Bambi and I even cried during Beauty and the Beast when she left him (please note these examples are only ANIMATION for crying out loud, can you imagine me during non animated movies?  I am a mess, a great big blubbering, snot riddled, poufy eyed, red faced mess! )  I used to strive to be a delicate crier..But nah, why bother?  If you are going to cry make it a good one, and if you are going to laugh..then let it all out!  Both should be rife with snorts and hiccups…I mean seriously what really good laugh or cry does not have snorts and hiccups!! 

So yeah…no sad movies for me.  Life has enough of its own misery, why borrow it from a show or a movie or a book?  Go ahead; you can think I am a few nuggets short of a happy meal…a lot of people do.  But you know if you really think about it, you will see that I am right. 

But I must make a confession and hang my head in deep shame.  The truth is…I am a cheater.  Rarely, I will watch a sad movie, read a sad book as long as I know how it ends.  And as long as it is not too sad.  For example in the movie the Titanic everyone dies…except that Rose character who never lets go…but actually lets go and cries as the poor guy freezes to death.  Pretty damned depressing so no Titanic for me.  Anyway so what I do for the not quite suicidal tendency movies…I flip to the last page of the book, I Google the movie…and I find out.  Sometimes I even read the middle.  That way, it is not so sad when you are braced for impact.  If I knew Bambi’s mom was about to get shot in the head I would not have hid my head for the remainder of the movie and cried for almost a week straight.  Granted I was a child but I truly believe that I have been deeply scarred by Bambi and just Disney in general.  Oh and as an adult I realized that Disney hates moms.  Just in case you did not already know that. We are good enough to take our kids to a Disney movie but not good enough to actually have a starring role in one…Snow white anyone? Cinderella? Little Mermaid?  Beauty and the Beast? Pocahontas? Aladdin? You see my trend don’t you?  But that is a whoooleee other discussion for later.  Right now, every Disney movie must be thoroughly Googled prior to watching.  Disney may be out to get me.   

So back to my Forest Gump preface, I have never seen it, BUT I have heard the line, “life is like a box of chocolates.  You never know what you are going to get.”

I hate that line.

Well if my life is like a box of chocolates I want it to be a box of Godiva.  In those boxes you not only have amazing chocolate but you know EXACTLY what you are getting! They even come with pretty pictures and long drawn out descriptions of each and every amazing mouthful.  You don’t bite into one and say, “Wow I did not know this was going be caramel truffle silk wrapped fairy wing compote” Because you know what?  The little insert tells you in excruciating detail that you are about to consume chocolate covered fairy wings.   So hell yeah, my life can be like a box of chocolate…rich, sweet, decadent…and with no freaking surprises!!!!  As long as you make it Godiva. 

I should be doing other things but eh…

I should be working but I’m not.  I am sitting at my desk though, so that must count for something.  I feel completely uninspired, unmotivated and quite frankly a little unwell.  Blogging is so much more fun than what I do for a living…actually scraping my teeth with an old spoon is probably more fun than my occupation, water torture, watching a teletubbies marathon…Yeah…the list of things more fun than my job is in fact endless. 

Besides my boss is kinda a douche.  The unscented kind.  

Oh and before I continue I must put out this disclaimer, “Although there will be many times during the course of my blogs I will threaten my dearest employer with bodily harm I do not MEAN it.  I may envision pushing the boss out the window but I will not actually follow through with the act.”  It is rather like envisioning winning the noble peace prize, singing the national anthem at the super bowl, eating ice cream every day and never gaining a pound…I will never do these things but a girl can dream.  Oh and prison orange does nothing for the complexion.  So why risk it? I am so vain. 

Today is one of those days when I know I should have stayed in bed.  I am so damned smart in hindsight.  That right I took a while back should have been a left…why didn’t I go to Columbia? Study medicine?  Oh the list.. the list…BUT actually all my steps and missteps have led me to where I am now.  And actually…believe or not, I am HAPPY. 

Cancer crap and all.  Happy.  Truly, deeply…It is a feeling that is so difficult to explain.  I wish I could bottle it and give it away.  I wish that the people in my life could feel what I do for even just a moment.  Sure you think…”bull poop” (keeping this PG folks keeping it PG..) Anyway, Bullpoop…how can anyone be happy when dealt such a crap disease.  Actually it is not as hard as people think.  See the way I look at it, I have ALWAYS been an optimist.  Actually not always…since I was about 11 I became an optimist.  And yes I DO remember the exact time and moment my optimistic personality took over.  But that is another story for later.  Anyway, I have a saying…”my clouds are lined in platinum” do you know why?  “Because silver tarnishes”.  Yep that is a Monica original…please give me credit for the saying if you use it.  You can say…”As Monica says…” Oh wow, I can see it now, I can start my own religion…”the Monica experience” Ok maybe not a religion because that is kinda creepy and a wee bit blasphemous…but…well I can at least start my own small cult.  “In the words of Monica…” hmm this may bear some further thought.  I will have to get back to you on it. 

But I digress…as always.  I am optimistic.  I believe that I can beat this.  I also believe that angels get their wings when a bell rings, that soulmates really do exist, that if I clap hard enough I can save Tinkerbell’s life (even though I always thought she was kinda a B**ch) and that I saw Santa Claus at a delta terminal in 2008…But yeah, I believe in a lot of things.  Things that bring me joy and solace.  But I have no choice but to believe in happily ever after.  I have no other option.

So I sit here, not working just typing away.  Trying to convey myself in these words on a screen.  I do not know if it is working but I will keep trying.  I do have to get back to my wonderful world of numbers and such..oh joy oh rapture oh happy happy day. But I will catch you all on the flip…tomorrow =) 

And we’re off….at a slow canter for now

Where to start? The beginning is so long ago but the present is just so now….the middle… I like it. The middle is usually warm and gooey like a cake or a Reece’s peanut cup filled with peanutty goodness. The middle always has the best parts anyway, the action the adventure. Of course my life is not nearly that exciting but heck it’s my blog so if I want excitement I will add a dash or two.

First off my name is Monica or you can call me Lola (that’s my Starbucks name..actually don’t call me Lola..that would be weird) So ok I have introduced myself and now It’s your turn…ok maybe not, unless you are shouting your name at my page..if so I will wait for you to call a professional…really I’ll wait.

So I am me and you are you. Nice to meet you!

I am married, quite happily (how boring huh?) I have two amazing kids. My son is 13 and my daughter just turned 3. Do not fret I have a bunch of stories about them…but that is for a later blog. My husband rocks my socks and we live with joy and laughter. And I am the furtherest thing from a saint you have even met.

Oh and I have cancer.

Yep. Pancreatic, stage 4 metastatic to the liver..inoperable. Rough translation, terminally ill. They tell me my time is limited. Whatever that means.

Eeck! Sounds horrible, don’t worry, I don’t buy it. There maybe an expiration date on my ass but I have not found it yet, and my rear is ample..lots of surface area, and trust me I have been checking for that date. Nothing yet. I will keep you posted.

I was diagnosed over a year ago at 37…oh no…now you know how old I am. That’s ok, my age makes me special. Apparently people my age don’t get pancreatic cancer. My first doctor told me I was 30 years too young for this disease. Somehow that was not much of a comfort. Go figure. I have beaten some odds, getting this cancer so young was not my favorite one…but on the plus side, I am still here a year later. 75% of patients diagnosed will not survive the first year. So I bucked that trend. I am stable no movement the tumors are laying low. Trust me they better! I still work full time, except for my chemo days which occur about once a week. Another fete! Anyway, all these little stats make me what I am. A unicorn with cancer.

My friend called me that when I was telling her about all the crazies surrounding my “condition”. A unicorn with cancer. A rare breed that if you blink you will miss it. I don’t want to be missed though. So keep watching.

Life is too short. Too amazing…I love it. Every second, every minute, every silly moment..even the sad ones. But life, yep, it’s good. Honest.

I suppose that is all I have to say for now. Actually it’s not, but typing on the iPad while laying like a beached whale on my couch is not conducive for those creative witty juices.

But I’ll be back. Soon. I can tell you are excited about that. Really.

Hello world!

Just little me, with a little pancreatic cancer…ok not so little on both counts. But I just wanted to share my journey, my ups, downs, observations..humor…and when I beat this thing called cancer I want to be able to look back on it and say, “holy cannoli that was a close one!”