I am so fabulous, I piss glitter

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My oldest sister sent me a picture text today that had me in gales of laughter. It said, “I’m so fabulous, I piss glitter”.

I piss glitter and should I mention that I also poop rainbows? On my endless list of tee shirts I will make for myself (I will never get around to it of course but I still dream) this is at least number 8.

Glitter pissing is something everyone should strive for, at least once, perhaps twice in a lifetime. And should you sprinkle when you tinkle at least it will be pretty and sparkly.

Actually, I feel somewhat less than fabulous these days. Lately, I am tired, beat, exhausted, fatigued…my ability to mimic a thesaurus is admirable no?

Part of this utter exhaustion is caused by a something called a pericardial effusion with a side of pleural effusions just for fun (the walking thesaurus that I am is caused by a condition once called ‘too much time on my hands’). So next week I will have a heart procedure done. It is not such a big deal really. But regardless, I still do not have to like it. And I DO NOT like it, not one little bit! As my acid trippy idol Dr. Seuss says,” I do not like it here or there, I do not like it anywhere”.

My heart surgeon (who is not nearly as cool as Dr. Seuss) says it is not a major situation. On a scale of 1 to 10 of dangerous heart procedures it is only a 3. Gee whiz, when you put it that way, heck sign me up for a weekly one! *insert eye roll here* I wonder how they would feel if I said the same to them. Or maybe if I tell him in terms that I use in the course of my occupation,”You are going to have an IRS audit next week…on a scale of one to ten as to how much tax you will owe it is only a 3.” Ahhh perhaps then he would understand that this stuff if scary to those not familiar with it. Perhaps then in the face of an audit he might even poop a rainbow. He still would not be as fabulous as I am though.

According to this lovely doctor, they will end up cutting a small hole in the pericardial sac that surrounds my heart. They call it a window…I wonder if it comes with its own pretty lace curtains that flutter gently in the breeze, or at least with every heart beat. I can almost picture it. It kinda brings a silly giggle from my throat. But then I may be missing a few more marbles than usual these days. The window does not bother me so much, I can handle a little window…it is the SPIGOT they are putting in my side!

Spigot, catheter whatever you call it. They are putting in a drainage system to get all the fluid out. So I will be Monica on tap. Draft Monica (lite of course…no calories here! See I am nice like that). I will open up said little spigot and drain drain away. Yeah…but no…I don’t want that thanks so much. Especially when the doctor says it could be weeks or months or longer with the damn thing attached to my side. Honestly I think I have enough going on with this traitorous body and its squatting resident tumors.

Ugh. Not that I have a choice my friends. So we will suck it up and deal. Slap on a smile with a side of snark and deal. I will be on tap for a wee while, honestly it could be worse.

And maybe instead of me being so fabulous I piss glitter, maybe I can be so ultra, amazingly fabulous that I have glitter on tap! Admit it…now you are jealous.

Catch you around next week on the flip friends and followers 😉

8 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. yourothermotherhere
    Nov 30, 2012 @ 23:34:53

    You are in my prayers.

    Reply

  2. Dani Arnone
    Dec 01, 2012 @ 00:43:59

    As always your strength amazes and inspires me, your are in my thoughts & prayers. XOXO

    Reply

  3. Kathy
    Dec 01, 2012 @ 14:24:18

    You have such an incredible attiude. I love the way you write, with that touch of sarcasm. Doctors always try to make things less scary, seem easy – “oh, it’s nothing. I’ve done this procedure a thousand times.” That’s what an anethesiologist said to me as he described a procedure where he’d be sticking needles in nerves in my neck. Strapped to the table like a crazy inmate so I wouldn’t move at all, I closed my eyes during the entire procedure. I was only under conscious sedation so I was aware of everything. Then he said that he was all done, and I said “that’s it.” I went through the same procedure another 6 times. It didn’t work, but at least I didn’t panic each time I lay on that operating room table.

    You are fabulous, a true inspiration. I wish you all the best and I hope the procedure goes smoothly. You are in my thoughts and prayers.

    Reply

    • monica923
      Dec 01, 2012 @ 15:07:56

      Thank you…a little sarcasm goes a long way, unfortunately this particular doc doesn’t seem to grasp it.

      And Wow! I cannot imagine going through a procedure like yours…strapped down like some science experiment! And I am so sorry that after all that all that it did not work for you. I hope you are doing well nonetheless.

      Thanks for all your thought and prayers 🙂

      Reply

  4. bedraggledandkicking
    Dec 02, 2012 @ 02:39:55

    A big hug to you. You are inspiring and fabulous. Humor, hope, love, optimism, even sarcasm….all powerful medicine. I will be keeping you in my thoughts.

    Reply

    • monica923
      Dec 02, 2012 @ 03:37:38

      Thank you! and I will be thinking of you and following your blog. Your words touch me. I hope every day brings you solace and healing and just enough laughter to keep you sane 🙂

      Reply

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