Death is NOT my BFF

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Sorry for the delay but life has a mind and time table of its own. It’s also tax season in my happy world of angry little numbers…so there is little time and lots to do.

Recently I read on Facebook someone listed the following as an occupation: “dying with grace and dignity” and I thought WTF??????? This person had been diagnosed with terminal stage III pancreatic cancer and all I could think of was, ”holy crap nuggets!!! I could really die huh?”

Selfish of me to think only of myself in that moment. Really it is…

I guess I know my diagnosis, but I have hope. No one puts an expiration date on me except God. I want to fight. I want to be stubborn, scream and yell and rail at Death.

Death is NOT my friend. I will not be inviting death over for coffee, tea and rousing game of Jenga or coed adult twister. Death is not welcome at my next birthday party and I will NOT be opening my arms to it anytime in the near future.

Therefore…screw you death.

I will not go gentle into that good night!!! (ahh one of the greatest poems ever written!) There will be nothing dignified about my fight with death. I am going to fight dirty! A huge ugly street brawl. Greased up with Vaseline and all that …I have already lost my hair so no need to tie that back…and I am going to scratch, claw, knee it in the balls.. gouge it’s sorry beady little eyes out…you name it I will fight as dirty as I can. Death will not mess with me for a incredibly long time after I am done with it!

So I simply cannot believe that someone could even subscribe to such a notion as dying with grace and dignity. How can you give up like that? What makes you turn and say, “Oh death..yooo hooo…I am ready now.”? Do you neatly fold your hands over your chest, with a flower clutched tightly in your sweaty fists and wait for death to steal your life away?

I won’t.

I refuse to.

No matter how much it hurts, no matter how sick I feel or how many procedures I must endure.

Screw you death and your friends too!

Ever have a moment, just one of perfect clarity? It’s a kind of matrix moment, where everything moves in super slow motion and all the lines are razor sharp and crystal clear. I had a moment like that sitting across my husband at some quiet Italian restaurant. The moment hung in the air suspended in amber. And I said the words,

“I don’t want to die”

I cannot tell you if I had ever uttered this particular phrase before this moment…I do not know if I have said these words since. But I know that I felt every inch of them in my heart and soul. I never wanted to put a face to the possibility and by uttering those words I felt I gave death power…a sense of truth. I opened a door to the possibility.

Sure, I could talk about a terminal illness etc. and blah blah. But somehow it never seemed real..tangible. But to actually say I don’t want to die really means that I can, this stupid disease can actually kill me. Kill me? Can you imagine? The unmitigated gall that cancer has. Ugh. Death is rude.

But those words will not and cannot affect my outcome.

So bite me Death!!! Yeah I said it. I will say it again. BITE ME DEATH…you cannot have me. Not now. Maybe not ever…so there!!!!

Because after uttering those words I saw them blossom on my love’s beautiful face…ravaging it with pain. I saw his world, our world… my world fracture into so many shards of sharpest glass. Destroyed by an enemy we cannot see. And I cannot bear it. I will not bear it.

After witnessing the pain those words wrought on my husband’s face, I chose to fight even harder than ever.

I refuse to be the cause of such sorrow. I refuse to be the cause of heartbreak. And you bet your sweet bottom that I REFUSE to be years and years of expensive therapy for my kids.

Yeah, screw you Death. You cannot have me.

Well at least it will be be only on my terms. When I am ready. When I am 95.5 years of age with my husband tandem by side and the parachute fails…that is when!

I hope you took good notes Mr. Death, you bastard, because I do not want to have this conversation with you again.

Thank you…see you in about 6 decades give or take a year.

15 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. Shareen
    Feb 05, 2013 @ 19:59:47

    This post is the definition of awesome.

    Reply

  2. marvaseaton
    Feb 05, 2013 @ 20:13:14

    Love that fighting spirit!

    Reply

  3. Rose Chimera
    Feb 05, 2013 @ 21:52:48

    I don’t think its selfish at all for you to think of yourself when reading that. Its YOUR life! Of course you’re going to think about, consider and maybe even feel a reaction. You know what? I think sometimes, not always, but just once in a while its ok to be selfish! It was momentary, right? That moment while valid just doesn’t define you. So don’t worry about it! Amen to that…SCREW YOU DEATH!!! You embrace that attitude ok? I’m right there with you! SCREW YOU DEATH!

    Reply

  4. bedraggledandkicking
    Feb 06, 2013 @ 12:23:45

    Damn straight. Death can fuck off…and…die. That’s what I wish. But you are an incredibly vibrant fighter, and *that* is how you stick it to the face of death. Keep that bastard waiting for a long, long time.

    Reply

    • monica923
      Feb 06, 2013 @ 14:04:47

      Death is definitely going to have a long wait for my big behind! I won’t let it win…I always knew there was going to be a useful purpose for my unmatched stubborness…now I know! 🙂

      Reply

  5. Things You Realize After You Get Married
    Feb 06, 2013 @ 14:57:40

    I agree – I love the fighting spirit you possess and your spunk! That’s another way of adopting a positive attitude, so you know you are on the right track! 😉

    Reply

  6. rebecca2000
    Feb 08, 2013 @ 15:40:27

    We all die at some point. I just pray that for you and I both, we live a super long time in a healthy way.

    Reply

  7. Teeny Bikini
    Feb 28, 2013 @ 18:36:42

    You are amazing. Hugs.

    Reply

  8. Alyson Goodwin
    Jun 23, 2013 @ 12:23:24

    LOVE this post! And as I say, “Death can kiss my shrinking, Southern girl Princess pancreASS!” We’re not going anywhere! Not having it! You, my new friend, are a ROCK STAR! If I were Death, I’d be tuckin’ tail & runnin! 😉

    Reply

  9. Chichina
    Jul 06, 2013 @ 19:40:04

    Such a beautiful fighting spirit you have. God bless…… I’m going to keep on reading now because I am transfixed.

    Reply

    • monica923
      Jul 06, 2013 @ 19:54:05

      Honestly, I do not see a choice but to fight. Life is too….to coin an Alice in wonderland phrase…Life has too much “muchness” to give up on. But I sense you have a spirit much like mine. You just have such a more lyrical beautiful way of expressing it.

      Reply

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