Normal is grossly underrated. But vacations rock!

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We just came back from a week of sun, (ok it rained all week) sand (just a wee bit of it. I hate sand, sand gets all up in places that not even my gynecologist has seen) and fun (which it was truly, but my version of fun may be different than yours…remember I like chicken noodle soup and bananas. So it is all about your point of view and taste buds). But it was just what the doctor ordered.

Well not really.

You see vacations and chemo don’t really mix too well. And I am tired. Tired down to my bones, hell down to the mitochondria in my cells. But I know in my heart I am on the road to recovery. How do I know that? Well I realized it when I was more concerned over how crappy I looked in a bathing suit (who’s lying? I bawled like a baby) than how utterly tired, sick to my stomach and swollen I was. My hubby was kind about it, he always is. But really. Enough is enough. Cancer takes away so much more than just your hair. It is really starting to royally piss me off. Which is a good thing. It is bad enough that it threatens my life, I will be damned if it permanently mars my looks. In all honesty it is a heck of a lot easier to focus on the “smaller” picture i.e. my stupid vanity issues, than to focus on “will I live another year?” Because truly that is just soul-suckingly exhausting. Besides I miss the me of two years ago, she was as my daughter would say, “so awesome and cool”. At least that is how I remember the me of BC (before cancer). I could be wrong. But according to my spouse I am never wrong (of course when he says it he may mean it sarcastically but I chose to ignore that fact).

Once upon a time my husband and I used to play more interesting games like…”who is hiding a surprise”(insert lascivious eyebrow wiggle here) and the ever popular, “let’s talk dirty while you are in the middle of work and cannot do anything about it”. Oh yes how I miss those days. However now we play much more adult games, grandma approved ones in fact. My favorite being “which one of us has more swollen ankles today” or “Who can fall asleep mid-sentence first”. His swollen ankles are blood pressure related but his exhaustion is a lovely combo of he works like a dog and he has a pretty packed family life. Kids, sick wife, dentally challenged dog and a beta he swears wants to bite his finger equals a great deal for one man to handle. He is exhausted for reasons of his own which in their own way are cancer related too. So our games are not as much fun as before. God willing that will soon change. I was hoping that this vacation would recharge our batteries.

Sadly, I think I need new batteries.

You never really relax while on vacation. You try to shove so many things to do in such a limited amount of time and then add a precocious toddler to the mix and you have an exhaustion cocktail unlike any other…sprinkled liberally with some Demerol pills, yes kids Demerol is not just for childbirth anymore! (Which incidentally they do NOTHING for my pain but loads for the happy happy joy joy feelings).

Speaking of my little girl…ahhh…nothing is creepier than a child. I mean it. Children can be really scary. For example, we were driving back from my cousin’s house after a really wonderful time and our little girl is playing with some silly doll we bought her from the souvenir shop. Our son is on his Iphone as always and the little one was being a little too quiet. I look back thinking she is asleep. No, but the Barbie~esque doll is now naked. No big deal right? A few minutes later I turn around again. Suddenly the doll is now naked and headless. Our sweet little angel baby has this impish look on her face and there is no sign of the head of the doll. “Bean (not her real name of course) where is her head?” My sweet little daughter smiles at me ever so innocently and slowly pulls the head from where she had hid it and says in the softest, sweetest voice you ever heard, “Here it is Mommy”. barbie
Then proceeds to laugh. Creepily. Very very very creepily. My husband and I look at each other, silently acknowledge that our daughter just freaked us out and start to laugh along with her. I know my daughter will one day rule the world. I just hope it is a peaceful takeover.

Anyway, I just had to mention that. Because in spite of cancer, life is quite good. Life is blessedly normal in so many ways. Vacation is just vacation and vacations still sort of suck because the minute you feel relaxed and are into the groove they “POOF”…are over and you are left with the cruel bitch slap of reality right across your head. I still do not know what a bitch slap truly is and I should goggle it, but I like the mystery not knowing exactly how it is done, that way I can never do it wrong. Although I do not think I would ever put the skill to any use.

Sure I was off chemo for the week, sure I kinda resemble Uncle Fester (remember the Adam’s family?)Well that is what I look like these days…and you wondered why I was crying earlier. Go ahead picture Uncle Fester in a purple bathing suit. Here this should help..

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Are you done laughing? Yep. It is that bad.

So, sure I am tired. But honestly…my vacation was really rather normal. It was amazing. I got to see my sister that I adore, and my cousins that I love, my son spent time with my wonderful niece who is like his best friend and my husband and I spent time like a family…all of us. Not running around from hospital to work. Or not spending enough time with our nocturnal little girl or our almost grown 14 year old. It was great and not dominated by cancer. Not controlled by that sickness that takes over when we are home.

Do you know what I have learned from cancer? I used to strive to be unique and different. As a teenager I wanted to be remembered for my differences. I marched to my own song and I refused to uphold any sacred cows. But now? From cancer I have learned that I rather like normal. It’s not so bad after all. I think if I am lucky enough to find “normal” again I would embrace it like a long lost friend. I realized that just because I want normal does not mean that I ever need to be boring. And quite, quite honestly I really miss playing the “who is hiding the surprise” game.

Ahhh…I think I need another vacation…soon… but Uncle Fester is not invited. Therefore it is beyond time that this cancer hits the damned concrete.For GOOD!

Ok friends, folks and followers..that’s the latest and the greatest…thanks for reading my ramblings it makes me feel all warm and gooey inside. Catch you on the flip.