I am so fabulous, I piss glitter

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My oldest sister sent me a picture text today that had me in gales of laughter. It said, “I’m so fabulous, I piss glitter”.

I piss glitter and should I mention that I also poop rainbows? On my endless list of tee shirts I will make for myself (I will never get around to it of course but I still dream) this is at least number 8.

Glitter pissing is something everyone should strive for, at least once, perhaps twice in a lifetime. And should you sprinkle when you tinkle at least it will be pretty and sparkly.

Actually, I feel somewhat less than fabulous these days. Lately, I am tired, beat, exhausted, fatigued…my ability to mimic a thesaurus is admirable no?

Part of this utter exhaustion is caused by a something called a pericardial effusion with a side of pleural effusions just for fun (the walking thesaurus that I am is caused by a condition once called ‘too much time on my hands’). So next week I will have a heart procedure done. It is not such a big deal really. But regardless, I still do not have to like it. And I DO NOT like it, not one little bit! As my acid trippy idol Dr. Seuss says,” I do not like it here or there, I do not like it anywhere”.

My heart surgeon (who is not nearly as cool as Dr. Seuss) says it is not a major situation. On a scale of 1 to 10 of dangerous heart procedures it is only a 3. Gee whiz, when you put it that way, heck sign me up for a weekly one! *insert eye roll here* I wonder how they would feel if I said the same to them. Or maybe if I tell him in terms that I use in the course of my occupation,”You are going to have an IRS audit next week…on a scale of one to ten as to how much tax you will owe it is only a 3.” Ahhh perhaps then he would understand that this stuff if scary to those not familiar with it. Perhaps then in the face of an audit he might even poop a rainbow. He still would not be as fabulous as I am though.

According to this lovely doctor, they will end up cutting a small hole in the pericardial sac that surrounds my heart. They call it a window…I wonder if it comes with its own pretty lace curtains that flutter gently in the breeze, or at least with every heart beat. I can almost picture it. It kinda brings a silly giggle from my throat. But then I may be missing a few more marbles than usual these days. The window does not bother me so much, I can handle a little window…it is the SPIGOT they are putting in my side!

Spigot, catheter whatever you call it. They are putting in a drainage system to get all the fluid out. So I will be Monica on tap. Draft Monica (lite of course…no calories here! See I am nice like that). I will open up said little spigot and drain drain away. Yeah…but no…I don’t want that thanks so much. Especially when the doctor says it could be weeks or months or longer with the damn thing attached to my side. Honestly I think I have enough going on with this traitorous body and its squatting resident tumors.

Ugh. Not that I have a choice my friends. So we will suck it up and deal. Slap on a smile with a side of snark and deal. I will be on tap for a wee while, honestly it could be worse.

And maybe instead of me being so fabulous I piss glitter, maybe I can be so ultra, amazingly fabulous that I have glitter on tap! Admit it…now you are jealous.

Catch you around next week on the flip friends and followers 😉